What Price Turnips?

Nothing comes without a price, and when
That price is out of reach, you’re out of luck.
You’re left with only two good options then:
1. Mope;
2. Hope it just “falls off a truck.”


A Yam / Not A Yam

A yam’s a grass and/or a lily.
Sweet Potato? Different story.
Popeye’s claim to yamhood’s silly–
Swee’P.’s pop’s a morning glory!

Get A Life

Because I could not stop for Death,
He calls me night and day —
Leaves messages on my machine —
Not interested, okay?!

I stoop to weed the carrot patch,
He’s there between the rows,
Smiting snails with salt from widows’ tears —
(He’s flush with those)

I fill my shopping cart with fruits
And vegetables and fish —
He points out all those things are dead —
That makes you cool? You wish!

Restraining orders — pepper spray —
Nothing seems to work.
He flipped his middle finger to my dog —
Death’s such a jerk.

I quit my job — went underground —
Permed and dyed my hair
Closed the door on my old life —
Next morning, Death was there

And yet, if Death stopped stalking me,
I’d think I’d sorta miss him.
He’s creepy, but dependable, you know?
But I won’t kiss him!


A pair of handy household tips
For pulling bulbs from stubborn sockets:
Mulish lamps will loose their grips
When struck by raw potato rockets.
Oftentimes a bulb will shatter
If a tater hits too hard;
Unless you’d like your blood to spatter,
Use the spud to shift the shard.

The Root Vegetable Anthem

Root! Root! Root for root vegetables!
A wealth of stealthy health beneath the lawn.
There’s a feast of tasty treats
Waiting deep beneath your feets
So hurry! Dig them up before they’re gone!

Comestibles like vegetables are good for you.
Except for carrots, mostly they’re benign.
Turn your tastebuds south,
Sneak a leek into your mouth
And presto! ‘Less you vomit, you’ll be fine!

Root! Root! Root for root vegetables!
A pirate’s buried treasure in the yarrd:
Thar be rows and rows of rootsies–
Food doubloons–below your tootsies!
Davy Jones’s Larder’s y’arr rewarrd!

Supra-soilers spoil in the summer sun
While roots grow plump and lumpy in the loam.
You’ll love your luncheon-munchin’
When you’re crunchin’ on an onchion!
(Be wary of the truncheon-wielding gnome.)

Root! Root! Root for root vegetables!
Terrestri-veggies simply can’t compare.
Cold and mulchy’s much more fun
Than lying frying in the sun.
Chow downward! Dig your dinner…if you dare!

Root! Root! Root for root vegetables!
Root! Root! Root for root vegetables!
Root! Root! Root for root vegetables!

Prompted by November PAD Chapbook Challenge 2011 – Day 22