Leap Day

It’s Leap Day! Leap! Leap out of bed!
Leap back up when you smack your head
Against the headboard, then your hand
Against your head–“I understand
Now why they call the headboard that!”
Maintain firm pressure: Leap the cat,
Leap for a Band-Aid…better? Great!
You still look pale, though. Better wait
Right there a bit. Tee-dum-tee-dee
There’s color in your cheeks, now. See?
Sometimes it’s best to keep your seat
A little longer. Now, repeat,
As white-eyed orphans used to say,
“Leapin’ Lizards! It’s Leap Day!”
That’s right, that’s how they drew her eyes!
…No, that’s concussion. I surmise
We’d best be calling 9-1-1.
Well, Happy Leap Day! This was fun.

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#Oscars2016

This isn’t really tweeting live
It’s practically the same thing, though
The #Oscars started half-past five
And there’s still 21 to go

I did my research all online
‘Cause movies cost too much these days
The few I’ve seen I thought were fine
But #Oscars? Who cares, anyways?

The writing #Oscars I got right;
Alicia was my Danish Girl.
But Mad Max swung both ways tonight
(I gave Ella’s dress a twirl).

Let me demonstrate tonight
The depths of my diversity:
To protest these #OscarsSoWhite
I’m using a black font! Yay, me!

The Revenant is on the board!
Lubezki’s won three #Oscars straight!
Why’s Max so Mad? Four times he’s scored
So far (and cost me 1 of 8).

Sound Editing! And Mixing, too!
Max, #Oscars really loving you
Tonight, and even I’m on board
For 5 of 6 of those you’ve scored!

Ex Machina for VFX?
Mad Max, some #Oscars won’t be yours
Tonight, apparently. Your techs
Are not *quite* perfect, by my scores.

I’ve got nine right; the two I’ve missed
Can both be blamed on Fury Road.
From here on out, I must insist
On no more Max, #Oscars. I’m owed!

Bear Story wins! I’m glad for them.
Yay, Pato! Huzzah, Gabriel!
Sorry, Don (I pulled for him).
These #Oscars nominated well.

There’s Pixar on the stage again!
I’m glad these #Oscars recognize
That story matters. With this win
I’m 10 for 13! Big surprise!

Will Fifty Shades of Grey receive
A statuette for song tonight?
I’ll have to see it to believe,
In light of these #OscarsSoWhite.

It’s difficult to tweet in rhyme
And also toast each #Oscars guess
I’ve gotten right. Here’s hoping I’m
Just peaking early. Tipsy? Yes.

Supporting Actor: I was worried
Rylance couldn’t win, but he
Asked, “Would it help?” Alas, I scurried
To Stallone. More pity, me.

Louis CK got it right:
Short Documentaries change lives
By earning #Oscars. From tonight
Some Girls in Rivers might survive.

Amy wins! And all it took
Was living hard and dying young.
At least these #Oscars made us look
At Amy once her song was sung.

“Blackbird” — really? Lovely song.
Considering #OscarsSoWhite,
However, it feels slightly wrong.
At least the #Oscars tried tonight.

Well, here we go: The final eight
And I’ve got five already wrong.
Go, Revenant! It’s not too late!
(Since #Oscars usually run long.)

Yay, Stutterer! I didn’t guess
That you would win, but good for you!
And Son of Saul wins also. Yes!
For these #Oscars, I’m one for two!

The #OscarsSoWhite House sent Joe
To represent, which figures. Biden
Gave a good intro, although
Our great divide, I fear, will widen.

Morricone wins at last
In real time! Has no one before
Won #Oscars when they’ve, in the past,
Earned Lifetime statuettes? No? Score!

Jimmy Napes and Sam Smith won!
The #Oscars are for everyone
No matter whom they love. That’s great!
Gaga, your EGOT has to wait.

Thirteen and seven. Let’s go, Brie!
Then, Revenant, you’re it for me
From there on out: Alejandro
And Leo, claim your #Oscars! Go!

Iñárritu, Best Director!
Awesome! And you didn’t let
The #Oscars orchestra deflect your
Speech. Too long, but no regret.

Actress in a Leading Role:
Brie Larson, for The Room. Well done!
If Revenant falls short of goal,
These #Oscars tweets, at least, were fun!

Leonardo caps his night
With his first #Oscars statuette!
Congrats! Does that earn him the right
To rant on climate change? You bet!

Spotlight! #Oscars threw a curve
To finish its festivities
At which I whiffed. Does it deserve
The win? Of course it does, but…Jeez!

My final score: 16 and 8.
That’s not so bad, but isn’t great.
At least these #Oscars had suspense
And closed with “Fight the Power!” *wince*

Friday Night Feline

The cat opines our plan should be
To stay inside tonight. We’ll see
What treasures might the pantry hide;
We’ll line them up and then decide
With which we’ll sate our weekend craving.
Think of all the cash we’re saving!
Plus it’s raining out. In here
It’s warm and dry! The choice is clear
(Opines the cat): Stay home tonight!
But…pizza! *sigh* She might be right.

The Little Prince Gets A Job

Chauffeur du monde, we tip our hats
To you (et nos chapeaux). Congrats!
Today you have successfully
Completed lap one hundred three
Around the sun without dislodging
Helen Johnson Collins! Dodging
Comets, NASA probes and dust
Whilst coddling my grandma must
Be taxing. That’s why you’re a star!
You’ve done an awesome job so far
And we applaud you. One more thing
We’d like to ask: Please help us sing
The (public domain!) Birthday Song
To her? We’ll start, you sing along,
And when we get to that part, please
Include her middle name (Louise).
Merci! Drive safely! We’ll be here
For one-oh-four same time next year!

As I Explained To The Pharmacist

I’m slogging slowly through the set
Of tasks I haven’t finished yet
But there’s an easy reason why
I’ve managed to avert my eye
From each successfully thus far:
I’d rather press a lit cigar
Against my skin until the smoke
Alerts the firefighter folk
Than work this stupid to-do list!
So…I need ointment for my wrist.