This isn’t really tweeting live
It’s practically the same thing, though
The #Oscars started half-past five
And there’s still 21 to go
I did my research all online
‘Cause movies cost too much these days
The few I’ve seen I thought were fine
But #Oscars? Who cares, anyways?
The writing #Oscars I got right;
Alicia was my Danish Girl.
But Mad Max swung both ways tonight
(I gave Ella’s dress a twirl).
Let me demonstrate tonight
The depths of my diversity:
To protest these #OscarsSoWhite
I’m using a black font! Yay, me!
The Revenant is on the board!
Lubezki’s won three #Oscars straight!
Why’s Max so Mad? Four times he’s scored
So far (and cost me 1 of 8).
Sound Editing! And Mixing, too!
Max, #Oscars really loving you
Tonight, and even I’m on board
For 5 of 6 of those you’ve scored!
Ex Machina for VFX?
Mad Max, some #Oscars won’t be yours
Tonight, apparently. Your techs
Are not *quite* perfect, by my scores.
I’ve got nine right; the two I’ve missed
Can both be blamed on Fury Road.
From here on out, I must insist
On no more Max, #Oscars. I’m owed!
Bear Story wins! I’m glad for them.
Yay, Pato! Huzzah, Gabriel!
Sorry, Don (I pulled for him).
These #Oscars nominated well.
There’s Pixar on the stage again!
I’m glad these #Oscars recognize
That story matters. With this win
I’m 10 for 13! Big surprise!
Will Fifty Shades of Grey receive
A statuette for song tonight?
I’ll have to see it to believe,
In light of these #OscarsSoWhite.
It’s difficult to tweet in rhyme
And also toast each #Oscars guess
I’ve gotten right. Here’s hoping I’m
Just peaking early. Tipsy? Yes.
Supporting Actor: I was worried
Rylance couldn’t win, but he
Asked, “Would it help?” Alas, I scurried
To Stallone. More pity, me.
Louis CK got it right:
Short Documentaries change lives
By earning #Oscars. From tonight
Some Girls in Rivers might survive.
Amy wins! And all it took
Was living hard and dying young.
At least these #Oscars made us look
At Amy once her song was sung.
“Blackbird” — really? Lovely song.
However, it feels slightly wrong.
At least the #Oscars tried tonight.
Well, here we go: The final eight
And I’ve got five already wrong.
Go, Revenant! It’s not too late!
(Since #Oscars usually run long.)
Yay, Stutterer! I didn’t guess
That you would win, but good for you!
And Son of Saul wins also. Yes!
For these #Oscars, I’m one for two!
The #OscarsSoWhite House sent Joe
To represent, which figures. Biden
Gave a good intro, although
Our great divide, I fear, will widen.
Morricone wins at last
In real time! Has no one before
Won #Oscars when they’ve, in the past,
Earned Lifetime statuettes? No? Score!
Jimmy Napes and Sam Smith won!
The #Oscars are for everyone
No matter whom they love. That’s great!
Gaga, your EGOT has to wait.
Thirteen and seven. Let’s go, Brie!
Then, Revenant, you’re it for me
From there on out: Alejandro
And Leo, claim your #Oscars! Go!
Iñárritu, Best Director!
Awesome! And you didn’t let
The #Oscars orchestra deflect your
Speech. Too long, but no regret.
Actress in a Leading Role:
Brie Larson, for The Room. Well done!
If Revenant falls short of goal,
These #Oscars tweets, at least, were fun!
Leonardo caps his night
With his first #Oscars statuette!
Congrats! Does that earn him the right
To rant on climate change? You bet!
Spotlight! #Oscars threw a curve
To finish its festivities
At which I whiffed. Does it deserve
The win? Of course it does, but…Jeez!
My final score: 16 and 8.
That’s not so bad, but isn’t great.
At least these #Oscars had suspense
And closed with “Fight the Power!” *wince*