Stupid Flanders

I used to think I liked the Dutch.
For one thing, what’s to hate? Not much.
And even if you wanted to,
There’s no such place as Dutchland. Who
Came up with that? It’s brilliant!
It’s too confusing to resent
A country where the name depends
On whimsy. “What, the Netherlands?
No, this is Holland. Wait, don’t go!
The former Frisian Kingdom? No?
Perhaps the Low Countries will suit?
Or Flanders?”
Oh, who gives a hoot?
This jolly polynymity
Appealed to the absurd in me.
What turned me, then, against the nation?
Nothing…but their punctuation!
In particular, the way
A noun that ends in single “A,”
“I,” “O” or “U”–the Traitor Vowels–
Pluralizes twists my bowels.
“E,” we’re cool. But all the rest,
You’ve failed a fundamental test
Of grammar righteousness: In whose
Mad bistro are there two menu’s?!
Interrobang, support me here:
How dare apostrophes appear
To indicate a simple plural?
Howdy slang witch nod infer all
Cat hiss tropic lee wince hutch
A thinking bee? Galled ham ewe Dutch.


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