For Iain On His 15th* Birthday

Today’s the day, at last, on which you’ve grown into your name!
Phonetimathematically, “E.N.” is all the rage:
In simple cryptographic substitution, N’s the same
As number XIV would be in Rome’s Augustan Age,
And hexadecimal notation represents 14
With letter E, since single-digit numbers stop at 9
And A is 10, 11’s B, C’s 12…see what I mean?
(If you can translate Hex to Base 10, PC game design
Will be a snap: Computers use Hex numbers all the time.)
Each syllable in “Iain,” then, can mean 14 to nerds
Like me, an English-major engineer who wants to rhyme,
In quatradecimetric iambs, fourteen-centric words
In over-complicated tribute to his first son’s birth
So, Happy Birthday! (*It’s your 15th one, for what it’s worth.)

Study Shows Bald Men Are Sexy

Tell me what I want to hear
And I’ll just grin from ear to ear
But I’m less easily convinced
When cognitively dissonanced
Present me with a fact adverse
To my convictions and I’ll curse
Insisting you support your thesis
While I tear your text to pieces
Parsing every phrase and thought
To prove you’ve said what you have not
Show me facts in mighty torrents
Flowing past; if with abhorrence
I regard the reservoir
From which they spring then chances are
I’ll die of thirst before I dip
My cup therein to take a sip
But let your manic diatribe
Promote perspectives I subcribe
To and I’ll lustily agree
With every word you spew at me
And never think to plumb the source
You cite because you’re right of course
You do the same, you know it’s true…
You don’t? Okay, the hell with you!

A Possible Hooray?

Christmas Eve has come and gone,
Christmas Day has, too.
What’s the day that’s one day on?
Boxing Day! Whoo-hoo!
No idea what it’s fer,
Or what’s expected, why
It shows up on the calendar;
I’m not a B.D. guy.
It’s awesome, though, that’s pretty clear.
I’m sure of it, because
They celebrate it every year
In U.K., N.Z., Aus.
So, Happy (Merry?) Boxing Day!
Pip-pip! I tip my hat.
May your boxes all be gay!
(There’s nothing wrong with that.)