How (But Not Why) To Eat And Run

Most of the (quote) wisdom (end quote) I’ve gained
Running marathons came because I’ve never trained
Quite the way that they say in those 16-week plans
In the magazines featuring athletes with tans
And taut, multipack abs and the latest sports watches
Who probably never get rash-covered crotches
From running too many wet days in a row
In the same pair of shorts. (That’s disgusting, I know.
Would it help if I told you I step in the bathtub
With all of my gear on to give it a fast scrub,
Then hang it to dry on the rod overnight
To put on in the morning? Would that make it right?)
Whoops! As I’m wont to do sometimes when training,
I’ve wandered off course. I’ve been charged with explaining
The best (safest) foodstuffs a marathon newbie
Should pack for the back of the course. What would you be
Inclined to ingest after three or four hours
Of running with thousands of folks who need showers?
I’ve tried it all–no, that’s wrong. I’ve tried lots.
Not surprisingly, there are both do’s and do nots.
A good rule of thumb (or big toe) is to stick
With the foods that you’re confident won’t make you sick.
If you’ve eaten it happily during your training,
It probably won’t start your stomach complaining.
The day that you choose to run 26 miles
Is not the best time to be spinning the dials
And randomly swallowing things that you’re handed
Alongside the course, or you’ll find yourself stranded
Between Port-a-Lets with your southernmost exit
In open revolt. Try your best not to vex it
By eating exclusively foodstuffs you’ve tried
On your earlier runs, so you’re colon’s not tied
Up debating the merits of foreign nutrition
And making you stop to “assume the position”
While runners who’ve practiced what Runner’s World preaches
Stream by on their way to the finish-line beaches.
So, that’s my advice: Do your best to avoid
Any mystery foods that you’ve never employed
In your practice runs. Eat only treats that you know
Will agree with you. Sometimes that get-up-and-go
Feeling comes unencumbered with good connotations
(To put it politely). The ramifications
Of taking a chance on what goes in your mouth
In the final six miles could send your race south.
But what if you’re starving and starting to fade
Near the end of the run, and need foodie first aid?
If you’re hitting the wall and have no time to vet or
Experiment, trust me: The blander the better.
That Double-Mochaffeinatoffee X-Stream
Soup-er Gel is a good bet to make your gut scream.
Seek out the products with “plain” in the name.
Screw excitement–you’re looking for boring and tame.
Bananas are good, soft and easily chewed,
And unlikely to make you do anything rude,
Unless you’re that lady in Michener’s Hawaii
Whose husband had done his research, and that’s why he
Insisted she eat a banana each day
As they pounded through storms ’round the Horn on the way
To their mission to save all those poor Polynesians
From burning in, well, the sub-tropical regions….
Again, I digress. Silly habit of mine.
Where was I? Oh, right:
Just relax. You’ll be fine!