Everything you think you know
About the Oscars has to go
Because the final tally’s in:
I’ll tell you now who’s bound to win.
Please note the timestamp on this post;
I’m writing from the western coast
But even in the EST
There’s still no broadcast yet to see.
So, how’d I come to make these picks?
Magicians don’t reveal their tricks,
But magic doesn’t matter here
(The Hobbit’s chance will come next year).
Did I go see them all, or guess?
For neither may I answer, “Yes.”
In fact, of 58 discrete
Films up, for 6 I had a seat.
And furthermore, of those, I’ve chosen
Just the Disney entry, Frozen,
And its Song and Short, of course:
That’s “Let It Go” and Get A Horse!
Despicable Me 2 was fun;
Likewise, The Croods, but neither one
Will win for Animated Feature:
Frozen’s just too strong, says teacher.
There’s no Sequel category
In which might compete the story
Of Celine and Jesse in
Before Midnight. Seen that. Won’t win.
Same for Robert Downey 2:
Was Iron Man 3 fun for you?
It was for me as well, but, hey,
It won’t take home a win today.
So, that’s my Full Disclosure spiel.
How, then, you ask, did those I feel
Will carry off a statuette
Get on my list? The internet!
It’s simple math: The folks who care
About this stuff are everywhere
In cyberspace, espousing odds
And choosing champions like gods.
I surfed the movie-lovers’ sites
To eavesdrop on the proxy fights
Between contenders, and I scored
Their winners on my Oscar board.
If someone wrote, “This film will win,”
I gave it two points; also, when
They said it should come out on top,
I gave it one. That’s it. Full stop.
One note: In case of runaway
Support, I just decided, hey,
To keep on counting wastes my time–
I’ve got a deadline for this rhyme.
With all those caveats, here goes.
How will it all turn out? Who knows?
Well, I do. That’s what I just said!
So jot these down and head to bed.
Best Picture is 12 Years a Slave.
Lupita Nyong’o earns the rave
For Best Supporting Actress, too.
Ms. Lawrence? They done hustled you.
Adapted Screenplay also goes
To 12 Years, because no one knows
How Mr. Ridley pulled it off.
More wins for 12 Years, though? I scoff.
Voters go for many factors
When they’re weighing Oscar Actors,
But they like ‘em really thin:
McConaughey and Leto win.
The other win for DBC
Is Makeup, so its total’s three
Just like 12 Years a Slave. Not bad,
But not the haul they could have had.
The biggest winner, number-wise,
Is Gravity, which takes the prize
In both the slots allotted Sound,
Where Captain Phillips ran aground.
Defying Gravity will spell
The end for Steve McQueen as well;
Director Alfonso Cuarón
Will soar as high as Sandra’s flown.
Emmanuel Lubetzki will
Be honored for his special skill
Yes, that’s a word. Yes, I insist.
And Gravity’s not done! Two more:
Best Visual Effects and Score.
That brings its total up to six
The highest sky of all my picks.
Best Actress: Cate Blanchett. She has been
Close before, but her Blue Jasmine
Turn will trounce the Almost-Had-’Ems,
Both her own and Amy Adams’.
Foreign Language Film is tight,
But when they call the names tonight
The Broken Circle Breakdown will:
Great Beauty stands atop the hill.
Every tout I polled agreed
That Malcolm Clarke and Nicky Reed
Have Documentary Short locked,
Lady…Number Six flat rocked.
How’s Gatsby doing? Oh, he’s fine.
Not Great, unless you count Design–
Both Costume and Production flavors.
Still, the rower never wavers.
Voorman Problem? Are you high?
Your voice may be: Helium’s why.
It’s taking home Live-Action Short,
But barely (so my spies report).
Film Editing? What’s that about?
A prize for all the stuff left out?
Well, Captain Phillips knows the drill.
Will he win anything? He will.
Best Documentary could go
To Act of Killing; lately, though,
The 20 Feet from Stardom buzz
Is growing. (That’s what backup does.)
Original Screenplay: A writer
Ought to get this, yet no tighter
Race is on the ballot here.
Which script deserves the win this year?
Ten nominations–count ‘em: Ten!
So Hustle, surely, has to win!
It may have missed the Oscar feast,
But gets a doggy-bag, at least?
Or, not. I’ll pick Spike Jonze’s Her
Instead. Now, how does that occur
When all my math declares a tie?
It’s most “original,” is why.
Or, maybe not. I just don’t know.
I have to pick a winner, though.
Her it is. And here’s a theory:
Maybe I’m just fond of Siri.
So, just half an hour hence
The Oscar program will commence
And all of you who’ve pinned your hopes
On me will reign as kings! Or, dopes.
Should my prognostic cannonball
Not swamp your Oscar pool, don’t call
And moan to me, ’cause that’s your bad:
You shouldn’t've trusted Siri’s dad!